It’s Wednesday, which suggests I’m again on my bullsh*t, however fortunately so are the writers of Riverdale. That’s proper, individuals, after a quick hiatus Riverdale is BACK and higher than ever nonetheless ripping off content material from basic films. Final episode it was The Shawshank Redemption and this week it appears prefer it’s going to be The Breakfast Club. What a deal with we’re in for, individuals! On that observe, we could simply dive proper in?
For those who’ll recall, when final we left off, FP and Alice burned the “only copy” of G&G left on this earth. Lol. I consider that about as a lot as I consider that Betty isn’t into mild choking. In fact, actually the subsequent day each child in class has a replica.
I assume this week the adults in Riverdale are literally going to do their goddamn jobs as a result of they begin confiscating G&G manuals from youngsters left and proper. Additionally, I really like that that is the place the adults determine to attract the road. Excessive schoolers banging their cousins? Fantastic. Letting the cheer squad preform smooth core porn in entrance of inmates? Additionally high-quality. However god forbid the youngsters get slightly loopy and determine to unwind with a board recreation. GOD FORBID.
Minimize to Betty, who’s pissed that nobody will inform her wtf is occurring with this G&G recreation. Like, why is that this woman all the time making an attempt to get in the midst of a homicide investigation? Critically, she will solely use “solved my classmate’s murder” so many occasions on her school apps.
I’m sorry, however did that coroner simply trustworthy to god dial Betty’s extension at THE HIGH SCHOOL to provide her categorized particulars about confidential case information? Did he?! Does anybody on this godforsaken city understand that she’s not truly a journalist, only a very nosy highschool junior? Her investigative credentials are about as legit as mine are after watching 12 hours of Regulation & Order: SVU. Baby please.
Betty finds out that somebody died in a really G&G type of approach again when her mother was in highschool so she confronts her about it. Betty’s like “If you don’t tell me what’s going on I’m just going to keep digging!” Lol. I really like that when she threatens her mom it’s over masking up murders, however once I do it it’s over tagging me in posts on Fb. To every their very own, I assume.
Minimize to Riverdale circa 1990-something the place crazily sufficient, all of the mother and father look precisely like their youngsters! The genetics on this city are insane. And it’s undoubtedly by no means suspicious that the mother and father who don’t have a toddler to be their double are conveniently ignored of this flashback story. By no means.
OKAY WHAT. Did they only affirm the the promenade child is FP’s?? Identical to that? Are you f*cking kidding me? I hate that they only maintain dropping these bombs on us with none nude scenes cinematic proof of it occurring. I’ve solely been aggressively asking to see FP shirtless for 3 seasons now, however it’s chill.
Younger FP, Fred Andrews, Mayor McCoy, Penelope, Hermione, and Alice all find yourself in detention collectively, the place I’m positive they’ll have to put in writing a letter about who they assume they’re however find yourself discovering themselves within the course of.
ALICE: We have been six strangers who have been pressured to spend a Saturday collectively. However what we didn’t know is that our lives can be modified eternally.
I really like how ahead considering and progressive these present writers are. Significantly, what a singular plot line!!
Lol Alice describing FP as a “stud muffin” to her daughter. She’s like “the sex was hot he was different back then, ya know?” Oh, I feel she is aware of, Alice. The woman likes to placed on a black wig and boil her potential suitors in a scorching tub. She’s choosing up what you’re placing down.
Annnddd we’re flashing again once more. They mother and father are enjoying some type of “sins & secrets” recreation the place they’re being wayyyy too trustworthy about their lives to finish strangers. Like, the one means I’d be this trustworthy with a stranger is after a bottle and a half of wine.
It’s turning into clear that the mother and father are simply as f*cked up and ridiculous as their youngsters. The apple doesn’t fall far, I assume. Right here’s what we study from this recreation of Sins & Secrets and techniques:
- Mayor McCoy and Sheriff Keller have been getting it since highschool! Which jogs my memory, why tf haven’t we seen Sheriff Keller’s abs since season one? We have now to take a seat via Archie being shirtless 40 minutes of each episode however The CW can’t throw us one shirtless DILF scene?
- Fred Andrews can also be a wannabe musician/athlete! It’s virtually like he’s precisely Archie however with brown hair. Loopy.
- FP doesn’t need to flip into his dad: a deadbeat drunk and member of The Serpents. Okay, now that one is simply unhappy.
Okay, WHAT. Penelope’s secret is actually batsh*t. I didn’t catch this at first, however apparently she’s all the time been a Blossom and never simply by marriage.
PENELOPE: After which the Blossoms rounded up all of the redheads within the orphanage and introduced me residence to be Clifford’s sister and in addition his future spouse.
Hermione’s like “that’s disgusting, that’s basically incest!” and it’s like, woman, don’t even get me began. Adoptive siblings banging one another is the least incest-y factor I’ve seen on this present so far.
So the youngsters discover a G&G guide. I used to be questioning when Alice was going to cease speaking about all of the intercourse her and FP had again within the day and truly get to the purpose of this episode. I used to be fearful they have been going to blatantly plagiarize The Breakfast Club for no cause.
Alice retains speaking about how harmful and addictive this recreation may be nevertheless it simply seems actually, actually nerdy. I don’t perceive how posing as witches and elves and princesses and knights results in homicide/suicide. It looks like a stretch, even by CW requirements.
Penelope decides to deliver the sport to reside motion and is that this the half when everybody begins consuming poison? WHERE. IS. THE. DANGER. She splits the group up into pairs: FP and Hermione, and Alice and Fred.
YOUNG MAYOR MCCOY: Why would you do this?
PENELOPE: I’m within the temper for chaos.
Yasssss queen. I’m loving that Penelope likes to damage lives as a lot as her daughter does.
Okay, did Alice hook up with actually everybody in Riverdale? Younger PREGNANT Alice begins making out with younger Fred and Betty’s like “mom seriously?” Sure, ALICE, significantly??
Aspect notice: I really like that she will’t cease speaking concerning the glory days. Like half this episode is Alice speaking about all of the intercourse she used to have.
Okay, younger FP/Jughead/Cole Sprouse seems fiiiiiine on this episode. He’s operating round with the gang with a plastic sword and sporting a pretend fur vest and honey I’m right here for it.
Right here. for. it.
Apparently they aren’t the one uncontrolled teenagers dressing up in cosplay and larping on the weekend–the remainder of the favored youngsters are too! Significantly, CW? This can be a arduous capsule to swallow. Like, more durable than levitating infants and Riverdale’s understanding of the justice system. I don’t for one f*cking second consider that prime faculty jocks would willingly gown up in medieval garb until a gun was pointed at their head. Please.
They workforce as much as type an excellent nerd group and throw an ascension get together to have fun being deep AF into their nerdom. Jesus this episode took such a bizarre flip. Younger Hiram exhibits as much as the celebration and provides everybody unlawful medicine. Typical Hiram. Glad to see he by no means modifications.
Alice is like “and this is the part where everyone went insane” however it’s actually only a bunch of excessive schoolers enjoying musical devices after curfew. Once more, when does all of the homicide begin occurring??
Since Alice is pregnant she doesn’t take the medicine, however she does maintain sporting these crop tops. A daring selection. She goes to throw up whereas everyone seems to be getting lit and sees some v disturbing writing on the wall telling her to play flip cup with some chalices. I paraphrase. My favourite is that she legit thinks about it. WHILE SHE’S PREGNANT. Alice, you’re wild girlfriend.
Alice is like “I’m too pregnant for this sh*t” and Irish exits proper because the principal is rolling up on the scene. The subsequent morning she goes in search of all her buddies to see if the principal busted their asses.
Okay, bizarre. Hermione says she by no means bumped into the principal however Fred’s dad died that night time. It’s not likely the place I noticed this episode going, however okay.
OH SH*T. They discover the principal weeks later and he’s lifeless underneath the steps with blue lips. Similar as Dilton Doily. I discover the principal’s demise much less surprising than the truth that Alice is STILL becoming into these crops tops. Critically, how far alongside is she? She needs to be at the least a number of months, no? My weight fluctuates extra between a Friday at 5PM and a Friday at 2AM, however okay.
I assume the group falls aside after the entire murdered principal factor as a result of all of them go their separate methods. Fred sells his guitar and all his goals of turning into the subsequent city troubadour. Hermione will get with Hiram and begins sporting loads of black silk. Mayor McCoy and Sheriff Keller break up. FP learns to like beer. Alice continues to be sporting crops tops however, like, preppy ones now. And Penelope decides to sleep together with her brother. Yeah, I’m fairly positive G&G didn’t f*ck you up, youngsters. Your personal life decisions did…
Minimize to the current and Betty is like “I have questions tho.” A type of questions higher be about what FP was like within the bed room, Betty….
Okay, so now Betty needs to research Principal Featherhead’s demise and Dilton and Benjamin Button’s suicides. Does this b*tch not have homework to do or one thing??
ALICE: Please promise me you gained’t examine this.
SHE IS NOT A REAL DETECTIVE, ALICE. My god. Floor her ass! You’ve gotten all the facility right here, lady.
Betty goes off to seek out Jughead and inform him about their mother and father’ Breakfast Club Midnight Club. She finds him in Dilton’s bunker enjoying G&G with some individuals and searching INSANE. Like, is he enjoying a nerdy board recreation or did he simply snort a line of coke? ‘Cause I’m not shopping for that that conduct is from a recreation.
And on that word, I’m outtie, Betches! I assume we’ll have to attend till subsequent week to see if Jughead is forming a brand new drug drawback or if he’s simply stepping into cosplay. Solely time will inform!
Photographs: Giphy (four); @writerras /Instagram (1); @riverdaleisadrug /Instagram (1); The CW (2)
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