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Zak is Canceled · Betches

Zak is Canceled · Betches

Properly, fellow hostages, it appears my gleeful goodbyes final week have been untimely. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t understand that we would wish to listen to about what occurred instantly after watching what occurred. So as an alternative of binge watching the final three episodes of Bodyguard tonight, I’ll sit right here and watch good matches systematically rip one another to bits through the use of their largest insecurities towards them. Oh wait. Now that I put it that method, this feels like a blast. We could dive proper in?

Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with clips from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t have to remind me how terrifying Bria was. I see her vacant stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion was held in New York, and now I’m fuming since I didn’t get an invitation. What’s a woman gotta do to get a ticket to one thing round right here? Not speak sh*t concerning the present and everybody who labored on it for 12 weeks in a row or one thing? As if!  

As the right matches stroll in, I make a number of observations. Morgan invested in a brand new weave together with her prize cash and woman it was cash WELL SPENT. And it seems all of our contestants time traveled again to 2001, obtained their outfits at Moist Seal, and have been informed the aesthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”

Proper off the bat, Terry asks Maria and Shamoy how their time within the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to inform everybody that proper after they obtained to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy informed Maria he had a girlfriend again house. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who vets these individuals, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t imply to imagine you set any effort into this casting in any respect.

Papa T to Shamoy:

Terry then strikes on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the night. Positive. Why put together in your job when you possibly can depend on the questions strangers got here up with on the bathroom?

The forged is requested who probably the most shocking match was (Asia and Tomas), which then leads Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have appreciated to speak to extra women. As if he wasn’t prepared to let her suck his d*ck all season. Positive, Jan.

And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I assume they might solely discover one intelligible query from Twitter for this entire phase, which truly sounds about proper.

We return from the business break and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the sofa with him. Pleasant.

Tomas and Cali announce that they’re courting now. Poor Andrew, misplaced his good match and he seems like a complete nerd tonight. I most popular him with the sunburn.

Terry units his sights on Nutsa and Brett, and earlier than she will get a phrase out he’s contradicting her. Terry has instantly misplaced management of the room. After which Zak begins to assault Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and winks at Brett like he’s doing him a favor. Dude, nooooo. Actually nobody needs your assist. Devil would flip you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh*t on Zak and as soon as once more I thank her for her service.

Now the entire forged is saying that Nutsa is imply for happening social media and making enjoyable of Morgan’s wig. Oh, whoops. Y’all aren’t going to love this recap I don’t assume.

I’m glad to see everybody is consuming out of Solo cups in the course of the business break. I really feel like MTV thinks these individuals are like automobiles, they usually gained’t carry out until you fill them up with $20 of normal unleaded Malibu rum. Which is in all probability not removed from the reality.

Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now made their solution to the recent seat. Kenya made a flattering colour change to her hair, however I’m not into no matter is happening on Tevin’s head.

Kenya and Jasmine go at it just a little, however admit they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.


You guys, Tevin is smizing so exhausting into this digital camera proper now he’s giving Tyra a run for her cash. He may as nicely be holding up an indication that claims, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Call me at 555-555-5555.”

And there positive is a scandal right here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin usually are not collectively, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all may keep in mind her from final season. God this forged is as incestuous as a CW present, they’re all sleeping collectively after which in the future somebody will give start to twin infants that fly.

A refresher:

This is Diandra. (Additionally, you’re welcome for locating this, Diandra determined to make her Insta personal this morning simply to piss me off). Maybe you must image her with whipped cream in her mouth although, as a result of apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, simply spray it proper from the can like the remainder of us after which perhaps your girlfriend gained’t minimize off your balls. Only a suggestion!!

Okay, Papa T truly has some much more inspiring recommendation for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He makes her repeat to the digital camera that she is “dope as f*ck” which is so dorky and solely convinces me extra that Papa T shall be a really caring father with a ridiculous wardrobe and silly job.

Now on the sofa we’ve Samantha and Daniel, and it seems that even Sam’s disturbing obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t maintain them collectively.

We begin off scorching when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at intercourse. He says she was spiteful and she or he asks him how she is spiteful. I want to level to the a part of this reunion the place he stated they weren’t good collectively so she stated he wasn’t good at intercourse. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.

Apparently Sam is again together with her douchey ex who I can’t keep in mind that a lot about however like I feel he was actually blonde? The one purpose that stands proud to me is as a result of I discover grown males with naturally very blonde hair to be unsettling. It’s a private drawback, I do know.

Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels dangerous that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not decide him on the match up.


Actually everybody applauds her. I put down my cheese plate to do the identical.  

Now they’re taking questions from the viewers. God, TERRENCE. You actually simply rolled away from bed and got here to do that present, didn’t you? How would YOU really feel if as an alternative of scripting this recap I simply copied and pasted tweets concerning the reunion into WordPress? Maintain up—can I do this? Editor?

Apparently I can’t. Anyhow. Crystal from Lengthy Island, that fortunate b*tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her confidence and her means to maneuver on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I’m impressed by how nicely she dealt with this as a result of if somebody stated that to me I might flip my condominium right into a darkish cave of unhappiness, by no means leaving my mattress once more besides to inform the Seamless supply man that he can simply depart my meals outdoors the door.

Now on the recent seat we now have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We’re proven clips of the entire Cam/Kayla saga in case anybody sustained mind injury between this week and final week. Terry asks them their relationship standing, like he is a 14-year-old woman filling out her first Fb profile. They don’t seem to be in a relationship however are nonetheless two completely pretty individuals, one undoubtedly on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.

Papa T tells Moe that regardless that everybody on his season of the present thought he was a disgusting troll, women on the web have been actually into him. Hey! Are you speaking about me, T? Moe says thanks and I additionally discover that he acquired a haircut and appears fantastic. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS?!

Okay so now they’re moving into the Kwasi/Cam battle. Apparently Cam acquired mad as a result of Kwasi used the phrase “bag” however it was only a misunderstanding as a result of in West Virginia it apparently means “to get to know,” however in Jersey it means “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I’ve by no means as soon as used the phrase “bag”. Ought to I’ve been doing that each one alongside? TBH although every little thing I say is meant to imply “to have intercourse,” so why not throw one other phrase into my lexicon?

Papa T strikes the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is additionally again together with her ex. However significantly, can I rent a analysis firm or one thing to crunch some numbers for me? How many individuals get again with their ex after being on Are You The One? And what number of hook up with a forged member from one other season? What number of find yourself on one other MTV actuality present? And what number of spend their cash responsibly? Spoiler alert: That final reply is zero.

Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to speak about Zak. Might we simply spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or one thing else extra nice?

Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the sofa and Papa T delicately asks Bria if she thinks she overreacted in any respect in the course of the season. Then he motions for safety to return stand in entrance of him. She blames her conduct on caring an excessive amount of. Mmmkay. I feel there’s a line between “caring too much,” and “intricately plotting someone else’s death” that obtained crossed this season, however perhaps that’s simply me.

Morgan says that Zak handled her terribly however at the least he’s self-aware. LOL. I’m wondering if she thinks self-aware means sanctimonious prick? I hope she spent a few of her winnings on a dictionary.

YOU GUYS. Take heed to this! After the present, Zak despatched Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, informed her to give up her job, and satisfied her to maneuver in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had a lot religion in you! And guess what, he f*cked her over! I’ve by no means been much less shocked about one thing in my life.

Then Papa T requested Zak if he attached with ladies from different seasons, as a result of he’s a sort, type man who needs me to have as a lot materials as attainable with which to mock the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys!! He attached with Geles from final season, and with Nilsa! One in every of my women from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond within the tough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the recent concrete. You silly, silly woman.

And Zak attached with Shanley from Season 1! How a lot time was in between their season and this reunion? As a result of I don’t assume I’ve attached with this many individuals in like years, not to mention in a couple of weeks’ time. And seems he did the identical factor to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak simply spend all his winnings on flying women out to Texas after which ripping their hearts out together with his naked arms?

Okay so Shanley exhibits up and tells us that it’s over with Zak however says she needs to provide us some context as to why she is there. Oh god. I’m scared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.

Holy sh*t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. However he says he didn’t truly report something he simply informed her that “as a threat” to scare her.

Me RN:

Okay Sam and Bria are type of defending him proper now and I’ve to place a cease to this proper right here. To the very small variety of women studying this proper now, NO. Don’t defend a dude who threatened to launch revenge porn of one other lady! Who cares that he didn’t even have it! (Which I don’t consider anyhow.) I truthfully can’t even consider one thing imply sufficient to say about Zak. He’s not even well worth the time it will take for me to provide you with a artistic method to say he’s worse than the trash floating within the suspicious puddle I noticed on a seat on the subway this morning. F*ck you Zak. I award you no factors, and should God have mercy in your soul.

Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I’m together with her. I in contrast him to Ted Bundy final week and I stand by that and I feel Nutsa would agree.

Now Terry provides Zak the prospect to speak as a result of we’re all simply DYING to listen to this manipulative prick clarify why HE was wronged by the woman he threatened to launch revenge porn of. Papa T asks Zak if he’ll ever change.

(Joey, I’m sorry I in contrast you to this loser however I couldn’t discover a gif of the satan shrugging.)

On the business break, Zak is gleeful about how sh*tty he is. Critically MTV, if I see him on a present once more I’ll on the very least ship your workplace a number of glitter bombs. Attempt cleansing that up, assholes.

We’ve lastly made it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is stated:

  • Everybody agrees Bria and Zak have been the worst battle in the home
  • Sam and Cali made up within the airport
  • Everybody would do it once more even with out the cash (probs as a result of the alcohol is free)

And that’s all people! This was all enjoyable and video games till somebody threatened to launch revenge porn, huh? I hope you all loved the drama as a lot as I did, and as Terrence J says, we’re all going to die alone by no means surrender on love!

Pictures: MTV; Giphy (5); @anthonymartin9 / Instagram

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